it’s been a minute since i posted.
currently i am living through (not giving into) the lowest low i have had in as long as i can remember. my weight is all over, my mood is all over, my thoughts are all over.
life is moving quickly and instead of soaking up as much of it as i am able, i have been allowing myself to relapse into a space where time doesn’t matter and the only thing that changes is me.
the world doesn’t pause for me.
it doesn’t pause for anyone.
my current feeling is that of someone who blacked out during the fun part and came to with their small folk half grown, their home life unrecognizable, and their future a complete mystery.
looking around me feels like i am watching someone’s recorded version of a future i don’t recognize myself in. i feel absent, though physically i am here. i do not feel like a participant. i feel like an observer.
my adorable baby boy is no longer a baby. he is a tiny man. he is growing into his own ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings…everything. he is honest. he is loving. he is patient. he is strong.
my beautiful daughters are reading, writing, excelling in dance, and taking on responsibilities i never asked them to take on.
they do this to compensate for my lack of…..well, everything.
my kind, loving, caring little babies are missing out on so much of the fun because i can’t make it through a day, a moment even, without absolutely falling apart. the worst part is, there’s no longer a trigger. there’s no longer something that “sets me off” nothing that “catches me off guard”. my self hatred is peaked. twenty four seven.
this is not how i want to live.
this is not how i want my beautiful family to remember me.
these kids deserve the world.
my husband deserves the world.
how is it that they got me instead?
there’s no way that is fair to them.
so, i am attempting to control what i can. i am successfully keeping myself empty.
this is why eating disorders are so powerful. the control.
currently, my habits are not to a point of concern given i am an actual morbidly obese human being. my feelings got me here. my lack of control got me here. my depression got me here. my excuses got me here.
fuck my excuses.
it’s time to be present.
take back the power i have given to food.
refocus on being here for my family.
refocus on what i can do, how i can be better.
today is day three of a “reset fast”. i have felt better while fasting.
fingers crossed it continues to improve my mental and physical state.