twice in one day, eh?

today went mostly according to plan, aside from being sick as a dog.

up side, i was able to manage my emptiness fairly well. even when i attempted to eat something for dinner all i was able to follow through on was about 2tbsp of cottage cheese and a couple carrot sticks. seems like my appetite might be finally falling off. it’s so frustrating to live in a world where you’ve got an almost insatiable appetite and access to all the junk food your little (potentially overworked) heart can stand.

tomorrow i will stick to liquids until dinner time. i will eat dinner if my friends and i meet up for dinner prior to going to the pub. tuesday is my night away. i believe i wrote earlier about potentially staying in this week….have decided there’s no need. if i am unable to maintain a routine of seeing my friends, managing my family, homeschooling my children, and being helpful to my village why am i even living?

last week, as i was planning this week from a diet standpoint, i determined that there would be two full 24 hour fasts. seems Mother Nature decided sunday would be the first. that woman always has my back. #hippiemom.

alright. going to tuck my three tiny loves into their beds.

xo.

a.jo

too much. then nothing.

so, i have an auto-immune disorder. who doesn’t though anymore? am i right?

this disorder of mine has led me to having to quit my job, quit my workouts, quit all the things that make me feel “normal”. it’s been over a year. i am a useless pile of depression and anxiety.

no job.

fat as fuck.

tired as a mother fucker.

last week, i was over it. i decided i was going to see my friends, live my life, and get the hell out of my house.

so, i did. three nights.

sunday, i came crashing down. fever over 103degrees, body aches, chills, couldn’t eat…all i could do was sleep. i slept from 1 pm Sunday until 5:40 am this morning.

haven’t attempted to eat today, mostly because i feel i don’t deserve too.

my kids have been extra needy, they’re not used to my absence like that.

maybe a smaller number on the scale will brighten my mood a bit, maybe not.

regardless, this week didn’t start out too great.

at least I’ll get all the laundry done today.

 

xo.

a.jo

 

compensation.

it’s been a minute since i posted.

currently i am living through (not giving into) the lowest low i have had in as long as i can remember. my weight is all over, my mood is all over, my thoughts are all over.

life is moving quickly and instead of soaking up as much of it as i am able, i have been allowing myself to relapse into a space where time doesn’t matter and the only thing that changes is me.

the world doesn’t pause for me.

it doesn’t pause for anyone.

my current feeling is that of someone who blacked out during the fun part and came to with their small folk half grown, their home life unrecognizable, and their future a complete mystery.

looking around me feels like i am watching someone’s recorded version of a future i don’t recognize myself in. i feel absent, though physically i am here. i do not feel like a participant. i feel like an observer.

my adorable baby boy is no longer a baby. he is a tiny man. he is growing into his own ideas, likes, dislikes, feelings…everything. he is honest. he is loving. he is patient. he is strong.

my beautiful daughters are reading, writing, excelling in dance, and taking on responsibilities i never asked them to take on.

they do this to compensate for my lack of…..well, everything.

my kind, loving, caring little babies are missing out on so much of the fun because i can’t make it through a day, a moment even, without absolutely falling apart. the worst part is, there’s no longer a trigger. there’s no longer something that “sets me off” nothing that “catches me off guard”. my self hatred is peaked. twenty four seven.

this is not how i want to live.

this is not how i want my beautiful family to remember me.

these kids deserve the world.

my husband deserves the world.

how is it that they got me instead?

there’s no way that is fair to them.

so, i am attempting to control what i can. i am successfully keeping myself empty.

this is why eating disorders are so powerful. the control.

currently, my habits are not to a point of concern given i am an actual morbidly obese human being. my feelings got me here. my lack of control got me here. my depression got me here. my excuses got me here.

fuck my excuses.

it’s time to be present.

take back the power i have given to food.

refocus on being here for my family.

refocus on what i can do, how i can be better.

today is day three of a “reset fast”. i have felt better while fasting.

fingers crossed it continues to improve my mental and physical state.

 

xo.

a.jo

shoot.

raise your hand if you can gain eight pounds in four days.

*raises hand*

my body and mind are testing me. i know it.

oh i am blown away by the lack of ownership i take of this hideous skin bag.

restart.

again.

xo.

a.jo

relapse. retry.

yesterday went well. i was able to maintain my diet until about 7:30pm.

because of the emptiness in my belly, i was able to get all of our laundry finished, folded, and put away… i showered and allowed my hair to dry the way it wants to *top secret, i actually have really pretty curly hair, but daily i decide that it is terrible and hideous so i flat iron it….or blow it out…fucking daily*.

because of the emptiness in my belly, i was able to stick to the menu that i made for my kids. they had healthy meals and snacks. i want them to have a better relationship with food than i ever have. they are well on their way.

because of the emptiness in my belly, i was able to stand myself and my thoughts for the majority of the day. i even was able to get out of the house for a bit and do the grocery shopping. stuck to my list and everything.

……………

then i fucked it up. i decided to eat something small.

get real.

it broke me. the rest of my day was garbage.

today i planned to retry.

so far… i slipped, but i fixed it.

reset. retry.

 

*fingers crossed*

xo.

a.jo

week of zero.

this week my goal is to be empty.

as empty as possible.

maintaining an empty body helps clear my mind and allows me to zero in on what i need to spend my energy on.

fasting for improved mindfulness, if you will.

today will be full of coffee, tea, water, and reflection.

tomorrow morning we lay my sweet uncle to rest. surrounded by family.

but, today i write.

i will find inspiration in the emptiness.

xo.

a.jo